To be honest, I really don’t know how to start with this one. I do know that I am upset. I am hurt. Once again drama has reared its head. I swear to God, I don’t go consciously looking for it.

You would think after being burned so badly in the past, I’d be slower to take down my defenses. In a lot of cases, I am. However, every so often someone comes along and they just have a way of making you feel comfortable. So you share. You share intimate details of your life. You exchange histories. You talk about the deep dark thoughts you have. You talk about your fears, your hopes. You feel a kinship. The human experience only has so many variances and you discover that you share many of them.

And then. Something said in private becomes a public matter. Maybe not in an overt way, but to those who share the secret knowledge it’s clear.

From there on, you feel you must censor what you say, lest it be the next joke for someone to get a laugh. For a while you say nothing. Unsure of yourself, because now you are questioning your own judgment. You feel you are being asked to keep secrets from the people closest to you in this world, except for your spouse. You feel guilt. And then you realize that the situation you are in was not of your making. You didn’t make private matters public. You kept the confidences that were so generously gifted to you.

And yet the part that bothers you the most is how you felt as though you were being asked to choose. Choose between loyalty to a new friend and loyalty to the friends that have held your hand through your darkest hours. Friends that no matter if you went 2 hours or 2 days without speaking to, would still be your closest friends.

That’s where my line in the sand was drawn. To be honest, I had thought about a second chance. I mean, everybody makes mistakes and I am certainly no stranger to them. But asking me to lie to my best friends was a line I cannot and will not cross.

So I will put this in the “Lessons Learned About Online Friendships” file. I will be careful to whom I spill secrets in the future. I will be more aware that just because I have some things in common with someone, it does not mean that they will always behave the way I would, or would wish them to do.

My walls aren’t any taller. But at least one brick is going back in.