Overwhelmed. Failing. Falling.
This weekend left me standing in my bedroom wanting to cry and scream.
It was Sunday afternoon. We were headed out to lunch and run a couple of errands. Darin was putting Ava in the car while I gathered up the necessary items from the house. Sippy cup, check. Apples and turkey for Avacakes’ lunch, check. Diaper bag, check. Ziplock of Cheerios, check.
While I was scanning the room I couldn’t help but notice the disaster area our bedroom was. Mentally I started thinking about the rest of the rooms in the house, which were in similar shape. We are not total slobs, but we work full time and have a 16 month old Hurricane by the name of Ava that lives with us. She pulls crap out of drawers as fast as I can put it away. I felt like screaming. I really wanted to sit down in a corner and pull myself into a ball and cry. It all felt like too much. The laundry, the garbage, the clutter. The bed that went unmade all weekend. Cooking? Ha!
It took all the effort I could muster just to walk out the door. Then once we were out, I did not want to go home again. I did not want to face the mess. The clutter. The garbage. The laundry. Piles of it. I know it is perfectly normal to hate housework. It is normal to want to avoid it. But the melt down I would not allow myself was not normal. I do not know how to describe it. Paralyzed is the only word that comes to mind. No, add overwhelming to that. I wanted to throw something. I wanted to break something. And then I wanted to curl up in my closet and not come out again. That is not normal.
I do not feel normal. I feel like the entire world is on my shoulders. It is not just the house. It is work, which has me running in about 10 different directions at once. So much change happening there, and all at once. The inevitable angry tirade of customers that is coming. I know it is coming. I dread it. I want to call in sick. I cannot. I do not. I keep going. I drag myself out of bed, get ready. Get Ava ready. Rush out the door in a flurry of “did you remember to? Don’t forget to…” Pray I remembered to take something out of the fridge for dinner. Then remembering halfway to the office that I did not. Shit. Well, take out for dinner again.
I get to my MIL’s house, and if I’m lucky get to spend half an hour with Ava before rushing off to the job that most days I hate going to. Actually, it is not the job. It is one person there that makes me hate it. When he is gone on vacation, the mood of the whole place changes, gets better. Lighter. Less stressful. It was not always like this. In the beginning things were smoother. But his life changed and when he could not handle it, he took it out on us, or his clients. Leaving me to clean up the mess afterward.
I head out for lunch, and spend an hour with my beautiful, smart, funny girl. My light. My joy. But that has it’s bitter side too. It means that I no longer get that hour to myself to refresh. Recharge. Relax. Some days I want to call my MIL and say I am not coming over. That I am going to the park and read. But I do not. I picture her face and know that she is anticipating my arrival. I visualize the disappointment on her face when I do not arrive. I cannot do that to her.
After work, it is back to my MIL’s house to wait for my husband to come pick us up. You see, we commute to work together and leave my car at my MIL’s house during the week. It saves us on gas, and mileage on my car. So instead of heading home, I sit, play or feed Ava her last bottle of the day. Finally, Darin arrives and we pack up and head home. By the time we make it home I barely have 90 minutes before Ava needs to be in bed. I have to bathe her, give her dinner and somewhere in there, squeeze in dinner for Darin and myself. By the time she’s in bed, I am spent. I have nothing left to give. All I want to do is turn on the tv and be a zombie until I fall asleep.
The dynamics are not going to change. My job, Darin’s job. Laundry will still need to be done. Garbage still needs to go out. Meals still need to be prepared. Work will still be work. I cannot change those things. What I must find a way to do is change how I handle it. I cannot do it on my own. I have been trying for years to do it myself and I am failing. I am failing as a wife. I am failing as a mother. I am not giving my family what they deserve. I am not giving myself what I deserve. I want better. I need better. I deserve better.
Oh honey, I don’t know what to say to make it all better, but HUGS! big ones!
I know that feeling of just wanting it all to go away, wanting to curl up into a ball and let the world pass me by. Hang on.
Molly´s last blog ..We’re More Alike Than Different
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I know that overwhelmed feeling. Ugh. Huge hugs going out to you, even though I know they don’t do much to help. A wise, wise mentor in grad school told me (when J was in NICU) that if I didn’t take care of MYSELF first, I couldn’t give anyone else anything.
Maybe it’s time for a change? In job? Job hours? A cleaning service? Date nights?
I don’t know the answer, but DO know you need to take care of you.
{{HUGS!!}}
PsychMamma´s last blog ..Embracing Holland
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Avasmommy Reply:
October 5th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Dawn, we do have a cleaning lady, but she only comes in every other week. After the first of the year, I am going to have her come in every week, I think.
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Hugs sweetie. Take time for yourself if you need it. Ava will understand if you need one lunch hour a week to just spend time with you.
Lisa´s last blog ..Parenting When You Have a Cold
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I get this. Jenna, I get this so much. I have no answers, not for you or me. But I am here, to listen, whenever.
Tons of hugs honey.
Issa´s last blog ..Guest Post: Mommy Myths #2
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I’ve been there. I get back there some weeks. It will get better. You’ll find a routine or ways to make things easier for you. It will become manageable. hugs
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I wish I could help you out too! I have a few ideas that might help. Do you have a play yard for Ava? When you can’t watch what she is doing, you could keep her in there and maybe your drawers will be kept full. Also, childproof as much as you can. As more drawers are childproofed, the less you will be cleaning up. Leave one not childproofed, like the tupperware. Also, with the laundry, do it more often during the week, so that the loads are smaller and easier to deal with. Maybe right when you get home from work, throw a load in and finish it after you put Ava down while you are a zombie in front of the tv. Does your hubby help out? Maybe you could split the cleaning list so it’s less daunting. Last, visit Ava 3 days a week and spend the other 2 doing something for you! Get a quick pedicure, a coffee or tea, read in the car, or just sit by yourself listening to music. You deserve time to yourself!
Sara´s last blog ..Sleep, Poop and Pee
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All I can tell you Jenna is that you are not alone. I think most wives/mothers find themselves asking these same questions. It’s all about finding the balance that works for you and that make you HAPPY. Easier said than done. Eh.
I so wish I oould give you the special combination to unlock this mystical place of happiness but everyone’s is different.
If the house doesn’t bother you messy, then dont let others standards bug you. Same goes for eating out or anything else you feel like you are letting your family down. Are you really? I mean I am sure that Ava would benefit better from playtime with you than should would from clean dishes. (You know, with in reason, work with me here.)
Maybe the mileage on your car isn’t worth being “stuck” at your MIL’s when you could be getting a jump on some other things before Darin gets home. Just totally throwing stuff out there.
Just know that we are all right there with you trying to find the hapiness amongst the responsibility and commitments.
Love you mama. *deep breath*
Lu ~ @masmom´s last blog ..The days after the funeral and cleaning out my parent’s house.
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oh woman….. it’s debilitating, isn’t it??? THE STUFF…. ALL THE STUFF!!! and it’s never ending.
i’m not even working, well, sort of and from home when magoo naps so that doesn’t really count because that’s also when i’m emptying and reloading the dishwasher or doing laundry, etc….
debilitating is the word that comes to mind.
i’ll be a zombie with you any day.
nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..oktoberfest: a whale of a tail
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Imagine if you will a stay at home mother who feels that way sometimes. I really don’t know what I’d do if I actually had to be responsible enough to show up to work on a daily basis. You’re tougher than you give yourself credit for!
On the weekend give yourself a good long nap. Once Avacakes is down for the night, throw things away, re-organize, make your bed (even if you’ll be sleeping in it in only 60 minutes). That’s the only time I can think enough to organize. If I’ve had a good long nap.
Just think, sooner than later, she’ll be 4 and can HELP clean up the messes she creates. The way she helps will drive you bananas because she’ll be too poky, or not clean it right, but she’ll be helping and it will warm your heart just as much.
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I used to go into my bedroom closet and close the door, turn out the light and hide from my three kids. Sometimes the constant neediness from them is overwhelming. Then I feel guilty thinking I’m not giving each one of them enough one on one time. We have to lighten up on ourselves. As moms we think we should do everything and have a clean house. Life is too short. We need to nurture ourselves first. Hang in there.
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I’ve been there too. Many days. I try and remember to focus on the minor victories. The things I do right versus the things I do wrong every day. I don’t always succeed, but I try.
Hang in there, love.
Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Marriage and Other Bad Ideas
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I can really identify with you. I enjoy working but not full time. Being a mom is my joy. I have had that feeling about my home as recently as today. It is so hard. I have 3 teenagers who can pick up after themselves and I get so frustrated that I need to remind them. Then, I look around and see the piles I make and get even more discouraged. I sometimes feel like I just need to be good at one thing. Some days I decide I am going to put on my favorite jeans, my favorite shirt and decide that that will make my day. I hear you! You are so not alone! Thank you for sharing what many of us feel so we no longer feel alone.
PB and Jazz´s last blog ..Sometimes life is so unfair
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i totally understand and sympathize. COMPLETELY. you are not alone, never alone. hugs for you!
Sara´s last blog ..Blogroll
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Just stumbled on your blog. I can already tell you are great! Wanted to let you know that I TOTALLY get it. I think I could have written an identical post. Wanted to let you know that you are definately not alone. Today was a bad day for me….anxiety about how much I have to do and the lack of time to do it.
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