Today I am going to do something that is long overdue.  Today I am going to give thanks to my friend Liz, who helped me turn my life around.

Yes, that may sound dramatic.  But a couple of months ago, when I wrote this I was at the end of my rope.  I felt as though I was underwater with someone standing on my head, holding me down.  I’d set impossible standards for myself and I was failing at them miserably.  It was becoming paralyzing.  I was so overwhelmed I wanted to run away from it all.  But I didn’t.

Instead, I wrote about what I was feeling, and against my better judgment, hit publish.  What I didn’t know then was that I was far from the only person struggling with the demands of house, work, kid(s) and feeling like they weren’t succeeding.  I got several comments with ideas, suggestions, support and empathy.

Then……I got an email from Liz.  She shared with me her own struggles over the very same things.  She told me how she’d had to make choices about what was important, not only for the kids, but for herself as well.  She shared in a way that truly made me feel as though I was not alone.  She gave me hope.  If she could get to a better place, so could I.  I must have read her email a dozen times.  Each time I cried.  Sad that we had to be in this place.  Wasn’t life supposed to be better by now?  Kids, family, marriage, jobs…

But with each time I read it, I started to think.  I thought about small changes we could make to our routine to make things easier on me.   We could stop commuting together.  Sure we’d spend a little more money on gas, but I could get home earlier in the evening.  Two nights a week, Darin could pick up Ava after work, leaving me with an hour or so free.  I could go home and work on dinner, laundry, go shopping or do nothing at all if I chose.  Slowly I began to give myself permission to not worry if there are dishes in the sink.  Or a pile of laundry from last week waiting to still be put away.  Little by little, and piece by piece it all started coming together for me.

Take last night, for example.  I was very tired last night, so I ordered out for dinner.  We had pasta and breadsticks and enjoyed a nice dinner together.  Afterward, I put Ava in her jammies, skipping the bath.  Then we headed out to watch an episode of her current favorite show, “Caillou” before she went to bed.  The leftovers sat on the table, as did the plates and silverware.  I’d worry about them later, after she was in bed.  So I got half an hour of cuddle and quiet time with my girl, instead of frantically trying to get the food in the fridge and the dishes put in the dishwasher, and THEN spend 10 minutes of time with Ava.  Win/Win.

I’m not saying things are perfect.  There are days I still look around and want to scream because there are too many dishes left to wash.  But for the most part I’m able to shrug off many things that before would have made me crazy.  Would I have been able to do that on my own?  I don’t think so.  I spent 18 months struggling with trying to find a balance.  I couldn’t see past the mountain in front of me.  Liz helped me find a way out.  It is a debt of gratitude I can never fully repay.

Liz, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  For giving me hope.  For giving me a light in the dark.  Oh, and I’m totally blaming the Jello stains on my couch on you. 

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