22
It is January and the sky is a vibrant blue today. Not something we often see here in Oregon in the dead of winter. There is a cold wind blowing the clouds and rain away, rain that would remind me of that day 22 years ago when I said goodbye.
I don’t want to always feel sad on this day, and yet I do. I feel sad that as I watch my girl play he’s not there to chase her around the house or terrify her with stories of bugs and wild animals, as he used to do with my… Continue reading
Beauty in Small Things
“Mommy wait, stop, I need to give you a leaf!”
I stop my car, putting it back in park and wait for her to select one from the leaf cluttered lawn. She carefully looks them over and then chooses the one she likes the best. With grandmother or daddy in tow, she runs over to my open window and hands it to me. I place it on the seat beside me and thank her for her gift.
I have a shoebox full of leaves. Carefully selected by Ava to give to me each morning and afternoon as I leave her… Continue reading
Highs and Lows
When you squealed with delight and yelled “Sprinkles” there was no one’s hand to squeeze.
When you sang the ABC song all the way through correctly, there was no one with whom to exchange that knowing look of bursting pride.
When you climbed into my bed all alone, without even needing a pillow to use as a stepladder there was no one to hold out a hand for me to high five.
When I watch you sleep, there are no arms holding me, sharing the same feelings of wonder and joy at this beautiful, amazing creature that… Continue reading
Home
A month ago, I couldn’t imagine calling anyplace other than the one I’d lived in for the last 9 years home. I loved everything (well, almost everything) about my old house. I loved the abundance of windows that allowed it to always be bright and cheerful, no matter the time of day. I loved the large bathtub with it’s massaging jets that were awesome after a hard day of work. I loved the tall ceilings which gave each room an open, airy feeling.
I loved Ava’s room, in all it’s bright cheery yellowness, even if it was a tad on… Continue reading
Remembering to Smile
I have come to realize that I tend to dwell on the negative an awful lot. I’m not a half glass empty person. I’ve always been more of a glass is surely going to break and cut my hand at any moment person.
Yeah.
I’m trying to change that about myself, thanks to some wonderful friends and some good tools from therapy sessions. I don’t always succeed, and lately it has been harder than ever to focus on the positive. With so many changes looming and so much of it being filled with uncertainty, some days I feel simply overwhelmed… Continue reading
Little Glass Houses
We all live in a glass house of some sort. There is always something about each and every one of us that we wouldn’t want to be judged upon.
I’ve written before about this. Why do women judge each other? We judge based on weight, eye color, hair color, clothing, nail polish color, and oh yes, how we raise our kids.
I don’t have any new answers to this. I’m just sick of the mom wars. Why aren’t there any dad wars? Are they simply more comfortable in their roles than we are? More confident?
The latest study by some… Continue reading
New Normal
Last night I slept alone.
It was time.
Gone are the days of turning over at night, taking comfort in knowing there is someone there beside me. Someone who would hold and protect me. Someone with whom I could share my fear after a night mare, or to talk me down during a panic attack.
Truth be told that person hasn’t existed in a long time. We’ve just been two people sharing a bed. No true connection.
As much as I would like to turn back the clock, and have a do-over, I have to keep moving forward. If… Continue reading
Waffle Waffle Waffle
I’ll admit it. I can be a waffler. I make decisions when I’m feeling emotional, and then I come to regret them later when I’m not knee deep in the throes of a pity party.
Taking this site private was not an easy decision to make. I knew what it involved and how difficult it would be for me.
In the end, it is more difficult than I imagined it would be.
So.
Having thought about it for a couple of weeks now, here’s what I’ve decided to do. I know – you’re on the edge of your seat, holding… Continue reading
Oh Shoot!
We have most definitely entered the “monkey see, monkey do” phase of toddler-hood with Ava.
Anything we do is intently observed by her, and I can almost see her internal Rolodex filing the information away for future use.
Her favorite phrase at the moment is “I try”. Yes, baby girl, you can try. And most of the time? She succeeds. She can put her shoes on all by herself. Getting pants on is still a work on progress.
The hardest part for us has been curbing our rather blue language. After so many years alone in the house, we are… Continue reading
Will The Circle Be Unbroken
Last night I handed out the first real punishment of my parenting career. To say I did not like it would be an understatement.
We had a pleasant enough evening to start off with. Dinner was pretty uneventful, and afterward I decided it was a good time to treat Ava to her first ever bubble bath. I started up the water and poured in the bubble making goo. Immediately we saw bubbles. This made Ava a very happy little person. Squealing and giggling commenced. We got in and had about half an hour of frolicking, blowing bubbles and dumping cups… Continue reading
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