One Year Later
I moved my last post back to the draft folder. I was hesitant to publish it at all, even privately, and bare myself so completely as to the struggle of emotions.
Those of you who read and as usual, supported me, thank you. Your words mean so much and I feel each one of them as a warm embrace.
The sheer act of writing has brought about some form of catharsis. The emotions have shifted to something different, less intense and not quite as crushing.
Life and the act of living it never ceases to ebb and flow. The waters… Continue reading
The Things About Divorce Nobody Ever Tells You
Divorce is the biggest life changing event one can go through, other than death.
Nothing, not even the birth of your children comes close to the emotional upheaval this will bring upon you.
You think it’s just a one time, one event deal. It’s not.
It’s watching the life you shared with someone, lived as one, become two strangers. It’s like watching your life go in reverse, in a fun house mirror.
It’s daily reminders, little time bombs sitting in your dresser drawer, or even on your car radio or dvr, just waiting to go off in… Continue reading
Highs and Lows
When you squealed with delight and yelled “Sprinkles” there was no one’s hand to squeeze.
When you sang the ABC song all the way through correctly, there was no one with whom to exchange that knowing look of bursting pride.
When you climbed into my bed all alone, without even needing a pillow to use as a stepladder there was no one to hold out a hand for me to high five.
When I watch you sleep, there are no arms holding me, sharing the same feelings of wonder and joy at this beautiful, amazing creature that… Continue reading
On Changes
There is a moment each morning when I awake, before my eyes open, that I don’t remember.
Then I peer out at my surroundings and through the fog my brain registers the difference.
The walls are different now, the bed seems taller, but it’s just that the ceiling is much closer than before.
My feet hit a cold, hardwood floor, instead of carpet. It’s a slightly longer walk to the bathroom.
There is quiet. Even in the early morning, when the sounds of soft toddler slumber are floating in the air over the monitor, there is so much quiet. Only… Continue reading
Home
A month ago, I couldn’t imagine calling anyplace other than the one I’d lived in for the last 9 years home. I loved everything (well, almost everything) about my old house. I loved the abundance of windows that allowed it to always be bright and cheerful, no matter the time of day. I loved the large bathtub with it’s massaging jets that were awesome after a hard day of work. I loved the tall ceilings which gave each room an open, airy feeling.
I loved Ava’s room, in all it’s bright cheery yellowness, even if it was a tad on… Continue reading
How to lose 5 pounds in 3 days without really trying. Or How to end up with your belongings scattered to hell and gone.
So moving day was last Friday. It was supposed to be Saturday. SUPPOSED to be.
You’ll have to forgive me if this post is disjointed and ramble-y. My brain and my body have still not recovered from the last several days.
Thursday night, 10:30ish pm. The front door is rattled. My ex opens it up to find the buyer’s realtor getting the house key from the lock box on the front door. They exchanged some rather heated words. We set the alarm and the motion sensors, because, well now a stranger has keys to the house we are sleeping in.… Continue reading
Backwards Forwards
Ava likes to play a little game with her Grandma. She runs forward then lurches backward. It’s a teaching moment, to learn what backwards and forward mean. It makes her smile and giggle in the process, which of course, is the best way to learn.
Every single day, people ask me how I am doing. Am I ok? Most days, I can honestly tell you, yes, I am. I am ok. Don’t get me wrong. I have moments, hours, sometimes, days where I falter. I get scared. I worry about the future. I have times when I wonder, maybe we… Continue reading
Impending – Pending
Some days it is a blank white canvas. It awaits colors and images. Fresh and new. Blank. It could be filled with people, love, laughter. New friends, old friends. The hope of new love. The hope of something better. It might be filled with bright flowers, a new home. One child becoming two.
Some days it is a black hole. Nothing is visible but darkness. No light creeps in from any corner. The road ahead invisible, blocked by a mountain of doubt and uncertainty.
I am a planner by nature. I don’t wait around to see what everyone else… Continue reading
New Normal
Last night I slept alone.
It was time.
Gone are the days of turning over at night, taking comfort in knowing there is someone there beside me. Someone who would hold and protect me. Someone with whom I could share my fear after a night mare, or to talk me down during a panic attack.
Truth be told that person hasn’t existed in a long time. We’ve just been two people sharing a bed. No true connection.
As much as I would like to turn back the clock, and have a do-over, I have to keep moving forward. If… Continue reading
Quicksand
Yesterday I lay on my bed, staring out the open window. Outside there is a plum tree and tiny little birds were zipping in and out of it’s branches, chirping. I wondered how many more times I would get to see their little show.
I spend a lot of time on this bed. It’s one thing that will remain mine after this messy division is complete. I am clinging hard to it. It is concrete in a world of quicksand. Crushing me as I sink deeper. One minute something is mine, the next I realize it is not.
The fridge… Continue reading
I write here
I’ve Been Featured On:
I Guess I Don’t Suck
