One Year Later
I moved my last post back to the draft folder. I was hesitant to publish it at all, even privately, and bare myself so completely as to the struggle of emotions.
Those of you who read and as usual, supported me, thank you. Your words mean so much and I feel each one of them as a warm embrace.
The sheer act of writing has brought about some form of catharsis. The emotions have shifted to something different, less intense and not quite as crushing.
Life and the act of living it never ceases to ebb and flow. The waters… Continue reading
Facing Fears
Maybe you’ve heard of Operation Eleanor. If you haven’t I’ll give you the Reader’s Digest version: Do something every day for 30 days that scares you. Megan figured November would be a good month, because, hey, 30 days right?
Well, I started mine in October. What can I say, I’m a rebel.
It all started with a glance at the television. An ad for Toy Story 3 on Ice. Ava adores Toy Story. She loves Jesse and Buzz fiercely. I researched ticket prices and found that they weren’t as astronomically high as I feared. I asked some friends… Continue reading
Imagine
Imagine a world in which your children only were tucked into beds under your roof two weeks out of every month.
Imagine a world in which mornings did not always include a sweet sleepy face saying “Good morning Mommy”.
Imagine a world, in which your baby did, said and tried new things for the first time and you hear about it afterwards.
Imagine not being able to see or touch the soft hair of the person you gave birth to, because the court says it’s not your day.
Imagine walking out of a house, hearing your child screaming for you,… Continue reading
Impending – Pending
Some days it is a blank white canvas. It awaits colors and images. Fresh and new. Blank. It could be filled with people, love, laughter. New friends, old friends. The hope of new love. The hope of something better. It might be filled with bright flowers, a new home. One child becoming two.
Some days it is a black hole. Nothing is visible but darkness. No light creeps in from any corner. The road ahead invisible, blocked by a mountain of doubt and uncertainty.
I am a planner by nature. I don’t wait around to see what everyone else… Continue reading
New Normal
Last night I slept alone.
It was time.
Gone are the days of turning over at night, taking comfort in knowing there is someone there beside me. Someone who would hold and protect me. Someone with whom I could share my fear after a night mare, or to talk me down during a panic attack.
Truth be told that person hasn’t existed in a long time. We’ve just been two people sharing a bed. No true connection.
As much as I would like to turn back the clock, and have a do-over, I have to keep moving forward. If… Continue reading
Quicksand
Yesterday I lay on my bed, staring out the open window. Outside there is a plum tree and tiny little birds were zipping in and out of it’s branches, chirping. I wondered how many more times I would get to see their little show.
I spend a lot of time on this bed. It’s one thing that will remain mine after this messy division is complete. I am clinging hard to it. It is concrete in a world of quicksand. Crushing me as I sink deeper. One minute something is mine, the next I realize it is not.
The fridge… Continue reading
Protected: Statistic
Waffle Waffle Waffle
I’ll admit it. I can be a waffler. I make decisions when I’m feeling emotional, and then I come to regret them later when I’m not knee deep in the throes of a pity party.
Taking this site private was not an easy decision to make. I knew what it involved and how difficult it would be for me.
In the end, it is more difficult than I imagined it would be.
So.
Having thought about it for a couple of weeks now, here’s what I’ve decided to do. I know – you’re on the edge of your seat, holding… Continue reading
The One In Which I Whine. Again.
In the grand scheme of things, my life is pretty good. I have a nice house, a nice car. I have a beautiful daughter, who is healthy (other than a rash caused by her Pampers, thanks a lot for that, P&G), a husband, a good job. From the outside, one might look in and think I have it pretty good.
However.
Ahem.
I have had a serious case of super bitch going on this week. I’m tired. I’ve been battling some kind of creeping crud that just flattened me for a day or two. Flattened being a relative term, seeing… Continue reading
I Left High School But It Never Left Me
High school when you are poor and overweight is not fun. High school when you are poor, overweight and painfully shy? Torture.
It’s always been hard for me to be in social situations with people I’m not familiar. Especially after having spent so many years of the company of people I did know who were less than subtle about keeping their distance from me. Heaven forbid one of the popular kids be seen walking down the hall with me. Or talking to me. Or sitting next to me at lunch. I wasn’t one of those kids. I didn’t fit in… Continue reading
I write here
I’ve Been Featured On:
I Guess I Don’t Suck
