The White Glove Test
If a stranger were to take a fine tooth comb to my house (or a white glove, as it were), they would find a house far from being spotless.
There is currently a plate sitting on my kitchen table with a half eaten peanut butter sandwich.
In my living room there are bits and pieces of a plastic toy tea set. Some on the sofa, some sitting in the window sill.
In that same room is a pile of clothing waiting to be put into a storage bag.
In my bedroom, if you look closely, you will see some small chocolate stains on sheets that haven’t been washed.
In my bathroom are plastic bath toys and several tiny washcloths.
What you don’t see – is that sandwich sitting there? Is because we spent so much time laughing at dinner we had to hurry to get jammies on and get ready for bed.
The bits of toys everywhere? Because the new tea set is so enthralling, it has to be enjoyed in every room of the house.
The clothing? Well, coloring on the floor was way more fun than sorting baby clothes.
The chocolate? A result of nibbling on fresh made cookies while snuggling in bed.
The toys and washcloths? What happens when a toddler decides she would rather shower with me than take a tub bath by herself.
Yeah, so maybe my house wouldn’t pass the white glove test. And you know what? I really don’t think I’d want it any other way.
GTT Was Hacked, So I Took This Opportunity To Bitch Instead
I was planning to participate in Girl Talk Thursday this week, but it seems that the site has been hit by the Word Press Apocolypse that’s going on so, instead I bring you this random collection of rants.
It’s been almost a week since I’ve posted here. I’m having a hard time coming up with things to say.
Actually, that’s bullshit. I have lots to say, I’ve just been too lazy to deal with it. I wanted to write a birthday posts for Issa and Liz, but I never managed to get it done. Hell, I barely got their birthday presents to them in time. This from the woman who overthinks and overplans EVERYTHING. I leave work on Friday, and I mentally map out the entire weekend on the drive home. On Monday, as I’m headed back to work, I look back at the weekend and think to myself “Just what DID I get done?” Ususally the answer is nothing.
In general, I’m pissed off at the human race in general at the moment. From the jackass who almost hit me this morning, because when merging lanes, even though I was the last car in the line up, she HAD to be in front of me and not behind me. To the dumbass kids in my neighborhood who play ball in the middle of the street and then refuse to move out of the way when anyone drives down the street. Seriously, they wait until the last possible second before moving off to the side. I swear it’s like they have a death wish. But then again, they are kids, with no real sense of mortality yet. I pray they don’t learn the hard way. Some of our neighbors drive well over the 25 MPH speed limit down our road. One day…..
I’m sick of Facebook Pages that are full of hate and violence. I’m horrified when I see someone I know join them. I’m in the middle of a cull of friends there because of it. I’m all for freedom of speech. I believe in civil rights. I don’t believe in calling for someone’s death simply because their political beliefs are opposite of yours. On his worst day, I never wished for the death of G.W. Bush. At many, many times I wished he wasn’t the president. I never wished him harm. I guess what I don’t understand is how all these people calling themselves Christians, the ones who are anti-abortion, but yet pro-death penalty, the ones who claim to love God, how you can stand on this earth and spew violence and hate toward your fellow man. Whether that man be white, black, gay, straight, Democrat or Republican. All of you with those “WWJD” bumper stickers on your cars. Do you think Jesus would approve of death threats? Do you think Jesus would turn his back on a man in need of help, simply because he was gay? Mother of Pearl. And people wonder why I left the Church.
I’m irritated that my housekeeper just up and quit on me. So now I’m back to cleaning my own damn house. And yeah, I know most of you are rolling your eyes right now, thinking “Oh, the poor wittle princess has to scrub a toilet”. It’ s not that I think I’m too good to do it. Hell, for 5 years, I cleaned OTHER people’s toilets. I would much rather pay someone to do it, while I spend that time, oh, pushing my daughter on a swing. Or coloring in a book on the floor of her room. Between my job and my commute, I have precious few hours left during the day. I want to enjoy them.
I have just flat out had enough of people who expect more from me than they are willing to give me. Oh, and seriously? If you’re going to act childish about me leaving Twitter(and yes, I did. yes, again. Yes, for good.) and act like if I’m not on there, I can’t be your friend anymore? Then BUH-BYE! Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, ok?
And speaking of social media, you know what else I really hate? When people copy their twitter updates to Facebook and never use Facebook for anything else. It really flies in the face of the whole SOCIAL part of the social media thing. What incentive do I have to reply to you if you never respond?
Allright, I’m stepping off my soap box now. If you want to take the opportunity to leave a rant of your own in the comments, feel free.
Have an awesome fucking day, ya’ll.
How To Drive Me Crazy
Issa posted yesterday about things she hates. I jokingly stated that I should write a list like that, but I was afraid if I started, I might never stop.
However, it being Friday, and sunny outside, I don’t feel like writing anything serious or deep today.
So without further ado, here’s a list of a few of the things I especially dislike. Hopefully, I won’t have to start another blog just to contain it all. 
Websites with videos that automatically start. Some of us are trying to stealthily surf the net (OMG, that sounds SO 90′s) from work, yo. How am I supposed to hide the fact that I’m really searching for recipes when I’m supposed to be doing something for which I get paid, if the minute I open a web page a loud ass theme song or advertisement starts blaring?
Olives. Who the fuck ever decided to eat these things? Even after curing, brining, stuffing, they are inedible. Not to mention, you can’t even eat them straight from the tree. And really, how desperate was someone for something to eat that they spent THAT much time trying to make them palatable. It’s the same thing with a lobster or a crab. Both of which I like, btw. But don’t you wonder who was the first person to look at that and go “Let’s eat it!”?
Eggs on cheeseburgers. I don’t get it. Maybe it’s because I really don’t care much for eggs, unless it’s egg salad or deviled eggs. But the thought of a runny yellow egg yolk on my cheesburger is gag-arrific.
Fake buttons and zippers on baby and toddler clothing. Either make it functional, or leave it off. It drives me nuts, and more importantly, it frustrates my daughter to no end when she tugs and tugs at a zipper that isn’t going to move.
Soy sauce. Just the smell makes me nauseous. Its the main reason I have such an aversion to most Asian cuisines. Well, that and the fish sauce. And again, WTF? How did fish sauce come about? Hey, what should we do with all these leftover tiny fish? Oooh, I know! Let’s leave them out in the sun to dry and then we’ll pulverize them. And THEN! We’ll add water and let it ferment until the next town complains about the smell. Then we’ll bottle it up and sell it. People will LOVE it.
People who constantly Re-Tweet. I’m not talking about someone who occasionally does it. I’m talking about the person whose stream is 90% other people’s tweets. I mean, if you can’t come up with ANYTHING to say that’s original? Maybe Twitter isn’t for you.
People who expect more of you than they are willing to give. I’ve run across that several times lately. I don’t get it. How can you expect people to do something for you that you aren’t willing to do for them? Relationships have to be about give and take. If not? Not worth my time.
Smoking. I don’t understand how someone can enjoy something that smells so bad and is SO detrimental to your health. Also? I know I’m gonna get flack here, but…I wish there was NO smoking in public period. I’m all for freedom of expression and individual’s rights, but smoking harms people around you. Not just the smoker. I have asthma and there have been many times I’ve had to use my rescue inhaler courtesy of someone’s need to consume some nicotine.
Beer. Again, I don’t get the appeal. It takes like piss. Or what I assume piss would taste like, never having actually imbibed that particular liquid. I can’t stand the smell, the taste, none of it. I think I’d rather eat an olive. Maybe.
Pumpkin pie. Pumpkin anything, really. I know, I know…that makes me look anti-American or something, but I just don’t care for the flavor. I dread Thanksgiving coming around because I will have to make the dreaded pumpkin pie just so the family will be happy. Me? I’d rather have chocolate cake. Or cherry pie. Or chocolate cherry pie cake.
Turkey. I may have to turn in my citizenship and move to Canada after this AND the pumpkin pie thing, but I hate the smell and taste of turkey. Again, I make it every Christmas for my family. If I didn’t there would be a revolt of epic proportions. So I make Darin do most of the work. Like prepping. And putting it in the oven. And carving it. Ok, so I make him do all of it. If it were up to me, we’d have a big pan of lasagna, a salad, and some garlic bread.
Mmm…now I want pasta. Wait, where was I? Oh yes, being a hater.
Actually, I probably should stop now. So there you have it. A tiny fraction of the things that drive me crazy.
Twenty Questions
So on Friday I asked you guys to submit your questions: What about me do you want to know? I got questions from three of you.
My dear friend Issa asked these:
1. If you won the lottery and could live anywhere in the world, where would you live and why?
This may seem like a cop out answer, but I would have to have at least 2 homes. One would need to be somewhere in England. I yearn for that country, and have never been. Is a lifelong dream to visit. Living there would be beyond awesome. My other home would have to be somewhere tropical. Where English is spoken. Because, um, hello, I have enough trouble with English. I don’t need the added burden of wondering if I just called someone a doddering jackass when all I really wanted was directions to the bathroom.
2. Absolute best gift you have ever gotten in your life?
Now, this is the point where I could totally wimp out and say “my daughter”. And lord knows she is a blessing and the best gift ever. BUT. A store bought, wrapped in ribbons and paper gift? A blue topaz ring that my dad gave me the Christmas before he died. I’d been pressing my nose against the jewelry counter at Walmart, admiring that ring for months. Up until then most of my jewelry was of the cheap, costume variety. That’s all we could afford. Somehow my parents scraped together enough money to buy me that ring. I still have it. Tucked away in my jewelry chest. Every once in a while, I take it out and wear it. Or just look at it. And I smile. One day it will be Ava’s. And I will share with her how wonderful her grandfather was.
3. Why in the world didn’t you tell me to not try and bake a German chocolate cake and go buy one???? >
Um, I was looking for something to make me laugh yesterday? 
4. Favorite food to make and also favorite food to order elsewhere?
I love to cook and bake. Baking is by far my favorite thing to do. I love making cakes, cupcakes, cookies, pies. I made two different kinds of cupcakes this weekend, simply because I wanted to try them both. Also? I don’t recommend doing that. It is very tiring.
My favorite food to order elsewhere? Pasta Carbonara. My favorite pasta dish EVER. If I were stranded on a desert island, yeah, this would be my dish. I have never made it at home, mostly due to the whole has eggs in it thing. I can put eggs in stuff and bake it. But something about the process of making that dish is just more than I can stomach. I can eat the hell out of it…as long as I don’t have to cook it.
From the lovely Cara:
5. left shoe or right shoe 1st?
Left. I have no idea why. I’m right handed. And frankly, I had never thought about it until asked. Now? I notice it all the damn time.
6. Any siblings?
Nope. My mom had a miscarriage about a year before I was conceived. When I was 3, my dad was diagnosed with the disease that eventually killed him, so at that point, bringing more mouths to feed into the world was not a good idea. One of my biggest regrets to this day is not having any siblings.
7. How old where you when you got your 1st kiss?
Hmm, I was 14? 15? I can’t really remember. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. The kiss was ok, but what happened afterward was not. I kinda blocked a lot of it out over the years.
8. how did you and D meet?
Believe it or not…online. Back in the summer of 1999 I bought my first computer. I was a big fan of the Food Network and at the time, Emeril Lagasse. I joined an email list (OMG, those are so archaic now). D was a member. We had lots of email discussions, ICQ (Go ask.com that if you’re under 30) {See, Ben, I did it!} phone chats. Met face to face in fall of 1999. The rest is history.
9. Will there be any more BabyCakes?
I hope so. I hated growing up an only child. And with me being one, and D only having one brother (who has no children, nor is likely to) I worry about what will happen when we are gone. I want her to have family around her. Plus? I really want another baby. I have so enjoyed this journey with Ava. I want to travel that road one more time before I retire.
10. Is that your natural hair color?
Yup. Including the gray ones that I pluck with tweezers whenever those little suckers appear. I did color my hair once or twice. Was too much upkeep for me.
11. Top or bottom?
Bottom. I’m afraid of heights. I stay away from the top floor of anything.
12. Would you ever get a boob job?
If money were no object? Yes I would. Not to make them bigger, but to reconstruct. Lift them up to where they are *supposed* to be.
13. Dunk your oreos or twist eat the frosting?
Dunk, baby. All the way. Until soft. Yuuuuummmm
14. Have you ever had braces?
Nope. My parents didn’t have dental insurance. I saw the dentist exactly once as a kid. So now you know why I have an overbite.
15. What kind of car do you drive?
I have a 2007 Mercury Milan Premier that I ADORE. It’s metallic red and has black leather interior. On sunny days, I love opening up the sun roof, cranking up the stereo and driving. Its the first brand new car I purchased in over 10 years. I will drive it until the wheels fall off probably. Or I win the lottery and buy an Aston Martin.
Rebecca asks this:
16. You live in Oregon, right? I want to know about the field of mushrooms that is as large as a couple of football fields. I hear it’s the largest living organism in the whole wide world.
I am afraid I had to Google this one. Oh, dammit, I mean, Ask.com it. I’d never heard of it. Apparently in Eastern Oregon, there is a giant underground mushroom field, that stretches for about 3.5 miles. Researchers discovered it when they were investigating why a bunch of trees were dying off. It’s been growing for over 2000 years. Anybody got any garlic and butter?
Now, as I only got 16 questions, I feel obliged to fill in the gaps here myself with a few questions – just to get to that even twenty. Because I’m anal like that.
17. Why do birds poop on your car JUST after it’s washed?
Simple: Your clean SHINY car is much easier to see from way up there than a nice dull, dirty car. Plus? Birds are just assholes like that.
18. Why does traffic always seem to be moving at a snail’s pace when you are late or in a hurry?
Now I know you’re thinking these people are really just trying to piss you off and make you even later, but that’s not the case. These concerned citizens are really watching out for your safety. By slowing you down, they have reduced the likelihood that you will be in a speed -caused accident. However, there is a direct correlation between the actions of these drivers and the frequency of drive by shootings on freeways, so I think there might need to be further study on this issue.
19. Who decided what foods are appropriate for breakfast and what foods aren’t?
Ah, now we have come to the real mystery in life. Who is “they”? They say you should eat cereal, eggs, toast, waffles. I don’t know anyone named “they”. I don’t think I want to. Because “they” are way too bossy and strict. I don’t care for any of those so called “breakfast foods”. You’d probably be appalled at some of the things I’ve been known to eat at breakfast. But since I don’t take orders from “they”, I will continue to eat my peanut butter crackers, cupcakes, banana bread and any other thing that sounds good to me at 8 am in the freakin morning. So there. **hmmph**
20. Your blog title says this blog will be all about Avacakes. But you don’t always write about Avacakes. Aren’t you a fraud?
Well, fraud is a pretty harsh term. I prefer flim-flammer, personally. I’ll admit I don’t write about Ava as much as I thought I would when I started this blog. It’s not that I don’t adore her and want to gush about her every second. But I have discovered that writing is something I enjoy. I am able to process a lot of emotions and issues by writing them down. I write mainly for myself and I hope that someone reads my words and finds something in them they can relate to, or even something that helps. I do need to add more entertaining videos up in here, yo.
Let's Play 20 Questions
Because it’s Friday, and I have a colossal headache, not to mention writer’s block – also known as mental constipation….
Let’s Play 20 Questions.
Submit a question to me. I’ll do my best to answer it.
Maybe there is something about me you want to know.
Maybe there is a burning, age old question in your mind, but didn’t know who to ask..
I may not give you a text book answer, but I’ll do my best to fill in the gaps of your education.
So…what’s on your mind?
Weekend Roundup
Disclaimer: This is a cop-out post. The one that is going in place of anything deep and meaningful because I don’t have the energy. I am coming to terms with some things that I had hoped weren’t true, but in the end I can’t deny reality. It’s sad and it hurts, but I’m facing it at last. I just can’t write about it yet.
So, because I know every single one of you got up this morning with the same burning question on your mind “What did Jenna do this weekend?” I am here to answer that question.
Things that happened this weekend:
I scoured the clearance racks of clothing looking for overalls for Miss Avacakes. She has hit the “I’m stripping all of my clothes off and running around naked” stage of toddler hood. The two things she can’t strip out of are footy pajamas and overalls. So guess what she’s wearing today?
I got my oil changed and car washed. The car washing was long over due, seeing as how I couldn’t remember what actual color my car was anymore. I’m also pretty sure there are cheerio plants sprouting in the backseat, too. What? Cheerios don’t grow on trees? Dammit!
I discovered Ava likes meatloaf. Not my, yummy, bacon and cheese filled meatloaf. Oh no. The meatloaf that comes from the grocery store, shrink wrapped and microwave ready. Yeah. Stab me in the heart, kid..it’d be less painful.
Things that didn’t happen this weekend:
I still didn’t make it over to Sears to pick up the prints of the Christmas photos we ordered. In November. Yeah.
We didn’t take the Christmas lights down from the ledge in our living room. Hey – at least they’re not on the outside of the house. Only we are aware of our redneck-ness.
Me relaxing. I guess one weekend a year is good for that, right?
Spending enough time playing with Avacakes. There never seems to be enough time for that. Each weekend is filled with laundry, trips to the grocery store, cooking and napping (her, not me) that I always end up feeling like we just didn’t spend enough time just being.
So now that I’ve filled you in on my fun filled weekend – What did you do (or not do) this weekend?
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