To Future Ava
I don’t have a clue what your future holds.
Will you be a lawyer, successful with a busy life full of friends, family and career?
Will you be a stay at home mom, spending your days wiping noses, driving to and from softball games and gymnastic lessons?
Will you be a bleeding heart liberal? Will you spend your time actively working to better life for people around you?
Will you be a conservative Christian, who thinks government should stay out of private lives and private sector?
I don’t know what paths you will take. I have no idea what roads you will travel, or what adversity you will face.
I don’t know if one day you will come to me and tell me that you don’t like boys, you like girls.
What I do know is that it doesn’t matter. I will love you no matter who you love.
Except it does matter. It matters because ignorance and bigotry still exists in such ugly fashion at the time I am writing this.
Because some people still believe it is ok to take away the rights of people who lead different lives than their own.
Less than a hundred years ago we were having these same discussions. Except then it was about white people thinking that black folks weren’t entitled to the same rights. Marriage, the ability to vote, to shop in the same stores, eat at the same table, be taught in the same schools.
For my generation, it’s absurd to even think about. Of course the color of your skin doesn’t matter. Below the surface we are all the same. To misquote some Shakespeare, “Prick us, do we not bleed?”
To be honest, we still haven’t gotten past all of the bigotry towards black people. The fact that the KKK still exists, and other, hate-filled groups like them, is evidence of that.
But it’s not legal to tell black people they can’t have our rights. Hatred doesn’t just disappear stealthily into the night. It finds new targets.
I hope by the time you are old enough to read and understand this, you too will be appalled that we ever had to even have these discussions. That they were wrapped up in religion and God and Jesus as excuses to justify the bigotry. People cherry picking Bible passages to further their own agenda, all the while ignoring the fact that we have a separation of church and state in this country and laws cannot and should not be biblically based. Let’s not even get into the fact that the Bible is full of things that were perfectly acceptable then that we find abhorrent today: slavery, stoning, selling of women as chattel, polygamy, etc.
Whether Jesus would have approved of homosexuality is irrelevant. He sat and dined, at his invitation with the worst of his era’s society. He preached love and tolerance. He did not preach hate and exclusion. All humans are worthy of God’s love. All. Not a select few.
Allowing gay people to marry, in civil unions and state sanctioned marriages in no way undermines or weakens marriage between two heterosexuals. Men and women will still marry and divorce, I might add, at the same alarming rate as always.
No, I don’t believe churches should be forced to perform the ceremonies. Again, we are circling around back to that separation of church and state people seem to conveniently forget when pushing their own agenda.
I got married in chapel. By a man licensed by the state of Nevada to perform the ceremony. Six years later a judge signed some papers and it was all over.
Who the hell am I, or anyone else, to say that this right is only for a select few?
So, my dear Ava, I don’t know if you will marry a woman, a man, or not marry at all.
What I do know, is that I want the choice to be yours, and not someone else’s.
Kisses Fix Everything, Don’t They?
You held up your finger to me for a kiss, having gotten it caught in the zipper of your pajamas. I obliged and asked you, as always, “all better?”. You nodded yes and turned over, with your thumb in your mouth and your special Red B in hand. Eyes closed, you drifted off to sleep, tucked into the warmth and safety of my arms.
I could not sleep. I lie awake thinking of how I wish that I could always fix your worries with a simple kiss.
You’re a strange mix of baby and little girl, not really either one or the other, with a foot in both worlds. Some days you assert your independence to the fullest degree possible and others, you retreat to the safety and ease of having Mommy do it all for you.
It’s a new world we are navigating, with me having to decide when to hold on and when to let go. I feel breathless and dizzy thinking about how fast your life is traveling. Soon, too soon, you will be in preschool, surrounded by other children but without anyone with which you are familiar around you. You need this. I know you will love it. But my heart squeezes and skips a beat when I think about it. I remember how terrifying my first day of school was. But I have to keep reminding myself that you are not me.
What I do know is life throws us curve balls. Usually when we least expect it. I may not always be able to fix your problems with a simple kiss. I will always offer one, along with a shoulder to cry on, a hug, and an ear that will always be yours.
For now, I’ll continue to cherish the moments that are fixed with a kiss.
24 Months
Today, my little sunshine, you are two. Two years old. Twenty four months. How can it seem so long and yet seem like no time at all?
Last year you were still a baby. You took your first steps on your first birthday. Now? You run. You run everywhere, with a wiggle to your bottom and a spring in your step.
Last year you didn’t talk much. This year you are constantly saying words and I think “when did that happen?” You can open doors, and also close them. You can climb steps. You gave up the bath in favor of the shower. Unless there are bubbles involved in that bath, then all bets are off. You feed yourself, you’re starting to drink from “big girl cups”. You wear shoes that light up when you walk. Everything I do, I have a little helper now. Laundry, dishes, making the bed, sweeping the floor. You want in on all the action.
Every day I see you gain a fraction more independence. It makes me proud. It makes me sad. One day I know you won’t need my help. One day I know you will leave to start a life and a family of your own. Every moment, every discovery takes you one step farther away from me. But not from my heart. My heart will always belong to you, baby girl. You’ve had it from the moment you were put into my arms. It will remain yours till the day I die.
I adore you sweet Avacakes. Thank you for two wonderful, sweet, love filled years. Happy birthday, my love.
Dear Avacakes: The Better Late Than Never Edition
Dear Avacakes,
When I began my last letter to you, I meant for it to become a regular feature here. Alas, as with so many things I begin with the best of intentions, it has not turned out that way. But I’m here now, and so I will attempt to cover all of the delightful little changes since my last letter to you.
Your speech is improving and you have a definite mastery of the word “No.” Do you want to eat dinner now? “No.” Would you like some peaches instead of applesauce for the 15billionth day in a row? “No.” Ready for nite-nite? “NO”. Come on, let’s not color on the walls, but on this lovely paper Mommy bought you. “No”. On the flip side of that you’ve learned the word “help”, and it’s delightful to have you bring something to me when you can’t figure it out on your own and say “help”. The one word I had hoped would take you longer to figure out (both the word and the meaning) is the word “hurt”. No matter how much I may want to wrap you up in cotton wool and protect you from the world, I cannot. Even at the tender age of two, you’ve learned that some things give you owies. At least this time it was cleared up with a cream and some hugs. The harder hurts, the ones of the heart that I know you will experience later on, will not be remedied so easily.
You acquired a new skill over the weekend, one that has me scrambling to find those door knob covers that were purchased so long ago in preparation for this day. After months of me trying to get you to twist the doorknob instead of just gingerly shaking it, on Friday you managed the “twist and pull”. Overcoming my horror at the fact that you can now open doors was a burst of maternal pride that had me clapping and yelling “Yaaay!”. So much so that you actually took a bow.
I love watching you imitate your favorite TV characters. If Caillou puts his finger on his chin while contemplating something, so do you. If he growls while pretending to be a bear, so do you. You also imitate pretty much everything Mommy and Daddy do, too. After watching me brush my teeth one morning, you took your own brush, ran it across your teeth and promptly spit on to the floor. You seem to have missed that whole “Spit in the SINK” part, but that’s ok. You’ll figure it out.
You are going through a shy phase right now. It started with you hiding your face when encountering a strange man, particularly an older man. That has pretty much led to an aversion to any and all strangers now. The first sign something is wrong is that you will go completely still. Then you will look down at the floor, unblinking. If by chance one of us misses these early cues, the next clue, screaming and crying will surely alert us that a stranger is nearby, and GASP! trying to make eye contact with you. Never fear, little one. Mommy or Daddy is always close with a warm hug and some reassuring words to make it all better.
One habit our little family has a longstanding tradition of is sport belching. Yes, Ava, you come from the classiest background. Burps in our house are rated, according to hang time, bass and volume. It is also the habit of your father and I, once the burping and judging of said burp is over, to look at the burper and say “pig!”. Rather hypocritical, I know, based upon the aforementioned point scale. However, none of this has escaped your notice. If either your father or I burp, you are quick to look at us, grinning and say “PIG!”
The enthusiasm you display for picture drawing now is much more than those tentative first swipes of crayon on paper. Now it’s bold strokes, strong swirls. You have a penchant for purple and yellow, and to my chagrin, black. Thank heaven for washable markers.
Sometime in the last month you decided that baths are the work of the devil and you’d rather shower with Mommy, thankyouverymuch. So each night, we hop in and you squeal with delight as the warm spray hits your tiny little body. I have to fill up your green plastic cup with water, over and over. You dump it all out and hand it back, asking for “more”. Or sing, “more, more, more”. (thanks Andrea True) Once we’ve cleaned you from head to toe, you hold up your arms, grinning, as I pick you up and hold you closer to the water. You open your mouth wide, and take in as much water as your little mouth will hold. And then, with an evil little smile….spit water all over me. Even though you’re shivering, we still have to chase you down to dry you off once the shower is over. Nothing delights you more than prancing around naked, your tiny little bottom wiggling as you run through the house.
I’m constantly amazed at your sweet spirit and generosity. You will gladly share the last bite of anything with us. Sometimes you will stop playing and run over and embrace me for no apparent reason. I hear you say “hug” softly, as you put your arm on my shoulder and gently pat it with your hand. Any other child your age, upon finding a bag of cookies, would dive in and eat as many as possible before being caught by the parent police. Not you. You put it back where you found it, come running to me and take me to the cookies. You hand me the bag and hold up one finger, indicating you’d like “just one”. How can I say no to that?
I’ve learned a lot about life by watching you change from a baby to a little girl. My heart swells and explodes with pride and joy every time I look at your lovely face. Some days, I’m not sure who is learning more, me or you. What I do know is that each day with you is a gift. I can’t wait to see what the next day brings.
Dear Avacakes
Dear Avacakes,
Today isn’t your birthday, your half birthday or anything of the sort. However, I just felt the need to write you this letter today. You see, you are growing up and changing so fast it is hard to keep up with all that you do. I want to freeze time and I want every silly thing you do to be ingrained in my memory forever.
Last night I bought you a potty chair. It completely freaked me out. It is such a huge step forward in independence for you. I know in 15 years you will read this and your eyes will roll into the back of your head as you say “Mom!” But right now, you are still my sweet baby girl. The sweet girl who puckers her lips with a goofy half grin when asked for a kiss. You willingly come over and throw your arms around me when I ask you for a hug. Once in a great while you will do those things without prompting. And when you do? Oh, how you melt my heart.
I love the nightly routine we have somehow fallen into. We get home from Gramma’s house and fix (or unwrap) dinner. We all sit at the table, you in your big girl booster seat. At least two dozen times during dinner I will have to stop and clean your hands. Which, ahem, would not get so dirty if you would consent to using a fork or spoon a bit more often. Also, not content to drink from your own cup, Daddy will have to share his cup of water with you, him holding while you take a few gulps, sometimes ending up with an ice cube to the face in your exuberance to tip the cup back. You also find the food on my plate far more interesting that what is on your own, even when it’s the same thing.
Eventually, though, we do get done with mealtime. If it’s bath night, generally speaking, you have already taken that bath while Mommy made dinner. I enjoy the sounds of laughter and splashing as I race around the kitchen. After dinner is jammy time. You head to Mommy and Daddy’s room, where you slip into warm, soft jammies. That task completed, it’s time for the final activity of the night; a cuddle on the bed with Mommy and Daddy, with your two best blankets, of course. We settle in and watch a few minutes of your current favorite show, Caillou. You rock back and forth to the theme song, flinging your arms out wide at the end, just like Caillou does. Then you settle back, cuddled against your parent of choice for the evening and watch one story. When it’s over, we turn the television off and you grasp your blankets tightly and head down the hall to your room. You know it is night- night time. One of us picks you and cradles you in our arms. We both kiss you, whisper softly to you, instructing you to have a good night and only pleasant dreams. Sometimes I sing “You Are My Sunshine”, depending on your readiness for your bed. We put you in your crib, turn down the light and say one last “I love you” as we close your door.
Most nights you fall asleep rather quickly. All we hear is a few rustles through the monitor as you get comfortable. Some nights we hear Ava-speak. Bababa. Dadada. Yeaaaaaaah. Hiiiiiiiiii! It doesn’t last long. Soon you are sound asleep; the only sounds to be heard are the soft breaths you take.
That is a typical evening with you, Avacakes. Of course I left out the tantrum you had because you didn’t get your hand cleaned quickly enough. I didn’t mention the meltdown that ensued because I wouldn’t let you empty the fridge door shelves. I never even think about how mad you get when I won’t turn on the Veevee (TV) until after dinner. And honestly? All those things are ok. They are all part of this journey you are on. I feel so blessed to be along for it. But please don’t grow up too fast. Your mommy needs so many more hugs and kisses.
Love,
Mommy



