One Year Later
I moved my last post back to the draft folder. I was hesitant to publish it at all, even privately, and bare myself so completely as to the struggle of emotions.
Those of you who read and as usual, supported me, thank you. Your words mean so much and I feel each one of them as a warm embrace.
The sheer act of writing has brought about some form of catharsis. The emotions have shifted to something different, less intense and not quite as crushing.
Life and the act of living it never ceases to ebb and flow. The waters… Continue reading
When Words Are Too Much Work
Some days it’s a struggle to even reply to an email, much less start one. Some days I look at the text message on my phone and wonder how long I can ignore it.
It’s not that I don’t want to talk. It’s that using my words is too hard some days. If you’ve never experienced it, you’re unlikely to understand it.
It’s not a cataclysmic event propelling me into a place of quiet. It can be old memories flooding back, creeping into corners I thought had been cleared out.
Small things, little things. Mundane life, death, grief, panic,… Continue reading
Facing Fears
Maybe you’ve heard of Operation Eleanor. If you haven’t I’ll give you the Reader’s Digest version: Do something every day for 30 days that scares you. Megan figured November would be a good month, because, hey, 30 days right?
Well, I started mine in October. What can I say, I’m a rebel.
It all started with a glance at the television. An ad for Toy Story 3 on Ice. Ava adores Toy Story. She loves Jesse and Buzz fiercely. I researched ticket prices and found that they weren’t as astronomically high as I feared. I asked some friends… Continue reading
New Attitude
Perhaps smack in the middle of a very unpleasant cold is not the best place to be making decisions, but nobody ever said I was the sharpest knife in the drawer.
But something clicked in me this morning.
I need to bump the negative out of my life. The sour grapes. The whiners. The complainers. The chronic malcontents, who, no matter what are always determined to find the dark side of everything.
I’m not saying life is all sunshine and rainbows. I know it’s not. I’ve done my fair share of twitter bitching, for sure. But you ever notice that… Continue reading
Sad Girl
I’ve seen her twice now. Early morning, sitting on the curb in front of what I assume is her house.
Waiting? What’s she waiting for? The bus? A friend to pick her up? A parent?
It’s not just the fact that she’s there. Her mere presence isn’t what makes me unable to shake her from my head.
She looks…sad. Lonely. Not sad in the angst-y way young teens have of lip pouting and all OHMYGODYOUHAVERUINEDMYLIFE. But deeply sad. It’s evident in her eyes, her slumped, defeated posture. Everything about her seems to say “I give up, I… Continue reading
This town
This town is flags hung from front porches.
This town is manicured lawns neighboring tall grasses and unkempt flower beds.
This town is church bells ringing out on Sunday mornings, softly interrupting the silence.
This town is friendly cashiers, saying they missed you when you didn’t stop in for your daily soda run.
This town is old homes and tree lined streets.
This town is big pickup trucks and motorcycles parked on lawns.
This town is downtown deserted by 9 pm.
This town is big Sunday breakfasts and quiet Sunday nights.
This town is picnics in the park and classic… Continue reading
Imagine
Imagine a world in which your children only were tucked into beds under your roof two weeks out of every month.
Imagine a world in which mornings did not always include a sweet sleepy face saying “Good morning Mommy”.
Imagine a world, in which your baby did, said and tried new things for the first time and you hear about it afterwards.
Imagine not being able to see or touch the soft hair of the person you gave birth to, because the court says it’s not your day.
Imagine walking out of a house, hearing your child screaming for you,… Continue reading
Not a step back, but maybe to the side
It’s no secret around here that I struggle with self esteem issues. I have for 38 years. I’ve made some remarkable strides in dealing with those. Life’s circumstances have me facing the world on my own, and a new-found self confidence has been emerging.
However, it’s fragile. Tentative. Which almost seems like an oxymoron, but that’s what happens when you feel inadequate and just LESS than for your entire life. Changes don’t happen overnight and for someone who struggled for so long, it’s not hard to experience something that will knock me back a step.
I’ve been learning how to… Continue reading
Remembering to Smile
I have come to realize that I tend to dwell on the negative an awful lot. I’m not a half glass empty person. I’ve always been more of a glass is surely going to break and cut my hand at any moment person.
Yeah.
I’m trying to change that about myself, thanks to some wonderful friends and some good tools from therapy sessions. I don’t always succeed, and lately it has been harder than ever to focus on the positive. With so many changes looming and so much of it being filled with uncertainty, some days I feel simply overwhelmed… Continue reading
I write here
I’ve Been Featured On:
I Guess I Don’t Suck
