That word describes a lot of how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been dealing with lately.

I took a week vacation while my mom visited.  The week following that my husband and I were both sick, and as a result, were off work another week.  I was able to spend a lot of time with my daughter.  The kind of time I haven’t had with her since she was born and I was on maternity leave.

Walking away from her that first Monday morning to go back to work was agonizing.  Some of the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life.  I wanted so much to quit my job on the spot,  grab Ava and head home.  But I couldn’t.  I can’t.  We need my income.  At some point, we may be in a position for that to happen, but not now.  I’m helpless to change it.

When my mom was visiting, it became apparent for the first time that she is elderly.  She’s no longer the active, healthy person I knew growing up.  She’s getting old. Older.  I’m helpless to change it.

My father -in – law is not very involved in Ava’s life.  He sees her once a month, at most.  He never calls to ask if we would like to come over, or ask if he and his wife can drop by to see us.  I’m afraid she’s going to grow up not knowing him very well.  I’m terrified of her asking me “Why doesn’t Grandpa ever come to see me?”  I don’t want her to feel that kind of hurt.  We’ve spoken to him about this before, but with little to no result.  We’ve asked them to babysit a few times, but I am hesitant to ask anymore for fear they feel we are taking advantage of them.  I don’t know what to do to fix the situation, and I feel helpless.

Many, many things are changing at work.  Some good, some not.  Mostly, not.  Things that come under the guise of making things easier, but in reality, just create one giant clusterfuck.  It takes more of my time and energy, and taxes my patience.  I feel drained when I leave here.  I am so mentally tired I don’t have much left to give to my family at the end of the day.  I hate it, and I am helpless to change it.

The back to school commercials have begun on tv.  I cannot watch one in particular.  There is one with a mom helping her daughter get settled in at college and talking about how hard it will be not seeing her every day.  I know my baby girl is only 14 months old, but I know that day is coming.  Years off, yes, but just thinking about it now brings me to tears.  Every day I see her assert a tiny bit more independence.  She’s growing up.  Intellectually I understand that this is a good thing.  I want her to grow up to be and independent person, her own person.  My head understands this.  My heart does not.  I am helpless to stop the relentless march of time.

I know all the cliches about taking control of your own destiny, your life is what YOU make of it, blah blah blah blah.  Yeah, I get that.  Maybe one day the epiphany will come that will change where I am.  But for now, I feel stuck.  I feel helpless.